hi.

young folks

2010-11-22T22:03:00.002+08:00

today i went to an old folks home. i only stayed for 10 mins. but those 10 mins were the most important 10 mins of the month, or maybe week, for the person i visited. the smile on the face that greeted me, the smile in the eyes that said this is the highlight of my month, or maybe week, was worth the trip. i wish i could stay longer, but i couldn't. this leads me to three points.

i will never grow old alone.

i will never take my youth for granted. youth is indeed wasted on the young.

i will never wait for death.

faith

2010-11-14T19:22:00.000+08:00

is the journey, not the destination

the life i want

2010-11-02T15:44:00.002+08:00

i like to dream, and writing never hurt nobody. i'd like a house, not a big one, just a nice shophouse like those i see the in cairnhill area, nestled amongst other shophouses, with exterior architecture fully restored, with concrete as my floor, the smooth polished kind that you can feel the coldness of the air on the soles of your feet. wood and glass as my panels. i'd have a really high ceiling and some good sofas, so people could come over and we could listen to music and just relax. i'd like to have different kinds of alcohol, not wine or beer, cause i can't appreciate it at the moment, but hard liquor, the kind for taste and the kind for kick, where even when i'm older i can play circle of death. i'd like a kitchen, an open kitchen with an island and the ability to whip up meals, whatever and whenever i wanted. i'd like to play an instrument, and in my spare time sing to myself. i'd like to own many shoes too.

notice how god doesn't fit in any of these? it just seems too hard to fit him into my plans. also i wouldn't be willing to. they just look incompatible. i really love this world, help.

resisting intellect

2010-10-29T14:49:00.004+08:00

well today while cycling i was thinking about my paper. see, i did this lit essay on clueless and got a d for it. that's like between 70-79. there is this higher band, which is 80 and above. and i was wondering, how do such people get it, like how do they write essays that are deemed to be hd? i vaguely remember looking at a marking rubric for history and if i remembered correctly, the best essays were those that intertwined analysis and evidence. even if you had all the evidence with some analysis, that wouldn't get you the highest mark. perhaps uni is different, and marks are harder to come by, but i digress.

you see, the point of this post was to say that i don't really wanna know to get a hd. well yes i'd like to do well, and i know that working hard will get me somewhere in life. but the things that i wanna do, like cooking, like playing an instrument, these are things that i wanna do well, and there are no such bands. there is no grade to say whether your cooking was good or not, or like it was good but not that good, paralleled to d but not hd.

more often than not, the good essays that i read used precise words to describe the situation. i can't think of a very good example now but let's just say tincture was a better choice than trace (read: cheem). so what's the point? i guess using precise words are good, cause some of these cheem words really encapsulate (point made) what you wanna say. also, a word that can express many other words comes in handy when you're thinking of how to stay under the word limit. but why write for an educated audience? my standard of english is average, and sometimes when i read articles i do have to check the dictionary. isn't the point to write so that everyone understands what you are writing?

personally, i like ben gibbard. for the uninformed, he's the frontman of death cab for cutie and the lucky guy that married zooey deschanel. his lyrics are simple, he doesn't use complicated words or anything, but still manages to conjure up metaphors that aptly describe what he feels.

for example:
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown

i never wanted to be educated to this extent. i like socy, but the things i'm learning, no doubt they can help me hold a conversation, they can make me sound intellectual, i can tell you all about how life is socially constructed,

or i could just cook you a nice meal.

being

2010-10-23T20:34:00.002+08:00

what if you are actually supposed to be wherever you are now. what if whatever is happening to you is not some second rate life phase or punishment for mistakes made. would that change anything?

≠

2010-10-15T10:43:00.002+08:00

sometimes you think about your friends. and then your friendships. and you remember all the not so nice things that you've done to your friends. and the not so nice things they've done to you. and then sometimes you think. oh that was justified because so and so did this to me first. but the truth is you'll never reach equality. because at some point or another, you'll do stupid things to/with each other. and these are the things you look back on and laugh about. and these are the things that make your friendship what it is

dreams

2010-10-05T10:41:00.001+08:00

now here i go again
i see the crystal vision
i keep my visions to myself
it's only me who wants to wrap around your dreams and
have you any dreams you'd like to sell
dreams of loneliness
like a heartbeat drives you mad
in the stillness of remembering
what you had
and what you lost

friends are family.

2010-09-15T22:37:00.001+08:00

it's just like

2010-09-13T10:38:00.002+08:00

waiting for ord.

just that this time,

i'm going home.

for the first time

2010-09-13T00:20:00.000+08:00

my best friends are all in different locations.

2010-09-10T22:19:00.002+08:00

what is time, is it
the ticking of the clock
the rising of the sun
the changing of the seasons
no it is
what ever
we make of it
the things we put into it
like the sand that fills the sandbox
all you know that there is plenty of sand
but the grains
you can't tell the difference

habakkuk/enoch

2010-09-07T20:05:00.003+08:00

Perhaps it didn't seem too long ago that the world was made up of only red blue and gold, and our ties had many nice little crests, instead of unsightly stripes. But the tie itself is a small issue.

Like many of you, I can still feel the cement of the parade square and the texture of the astroturf (the one at the old basketball court), where jarvin decided that he belonged in the EPL. I remember the first day, looking at our long pants in disbelief. The entire year was spent repeating days that went like this: assembly, talk in class, recess (soccer), talk in class, go home. Free periods were a bonus and thanks to the frequent absence of some teachers, we could pursue the following activities: play loud music from the speakers, throw something around (eg. spongebob), bully someone small (normally ethan or ken tay but reuben was equally victimised), watch darren and zheng hao play guitar, sneak out to the SAC for food or play soccer (most exercised option). Soccer was fun and the turnout was always enough for two teams. The class location was ideal, as it meant stopping over for drinks at the SAC before sauntering into class nonchalantly. School being over usually meant more soccer before returning home when the clock chimed 6. At night, we glued our eyes to the monitor, fervently clicking our mice to ensure virtual victory in a game for 10. That game cost me plenty of time, but the enjoyment and the next day bragging rights that it brought made for priceless conversation. This routine happened for 2 years and I believe I have never been happier nor equally insouciant. Having put 4, almost 5 years behind us since then, we're now in the midst of finding our own crevice in the world, slowly dispersing to different locations. Gatherings, though frequent, will probably see a decline in attendance due to the difference in school holidays. Whatever our future, we'll always share a common history (pun intended).

I fucking miss you guys.

water

2010-09-04T02:32:00.001+08:00

droplets leave their home

the cold comfort of the mountains

to begin trickling down the slide

and they bear the weight of

the sediments of rock that are unable to hold

bringing them to the stream

there is only one way to go

along the curvatures of the path

oh! a waterfall

potential kinetic potential

some lost to sound but

nevertheless still on the path to

the great big ocean

where there are many

identical pilgrims

divine providence

2010-08-29T00:24:00.002+08:00

so i had a rather good birthday.

i managed to bring clothes back via my uncle, i managed to get a free bike and i had buffet style good food for it was open house day.

thank you Jesus, your providence never ceases to amaze.

-

"the good thing is that brothers, unlike fairweather u** friends, are for life so we'll be going to coffeeshops to lim teh talk cock far beyond our days in school."

- a brother

3x7

2010-08-27T23:21:00.002+08:00

i cup
my hands together
and submerge them
into the body
of water in the sink
as i
raise my hands
i feel the water
i feel its texture
how smooth it is
and how
it escapes my grasp
i still have some in my hand
and it reflects my face
clearly
untainted
feels like the years don't it

no longer on the brink, 21

amidst

2010-08-11T20:00:00.001+08:00

amidst the locomotion of our lives, never forget, and i mean never, that we are from acs.

caught up

2010-08-06T08:38:00.002+08:00

most people are caught up with themselves.
they think about their current situation.
they think about how they can make it better.
they worry about grades, future, and a host of other things that are actually in their control. but somehow they lose sight of that.

why would you worry about something in your control?
if you have a religion, i believe that is even less reason to worry.

people who take their life too seriously annoy me.
they sulk and try to envelope themselves, with the negative emotions they have, to feel alive. the emotions keep them going. have they never seen krabi?!

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. - Mark Twain

-

it never ceases to amaze me how people love to talk about relationships. how they have opinions on what A should do, dispensing advice like you should do step 1 then 2. they behave like if they didn't have such problems, there would be nothing to say. how come they never think of talking about and doing something fun together, instead of just talking about their relationships. relationships - conversation killers. and you know these people are those that you can't grow old together with.

-

speaking of steps,
steps for success in life according to someone i know:

sell the jeans
get the As
buy the alcohol
rule the world

damn right.

小小虫

2010-08-05T11:07:00.000+08:00

我从小不会说话
总会说些不该说的话也没办法
我知道我是傻瓜
我不是说情话的专家别怪我
我搞不懂要不是这条小小的虫
吓得你跳进了我的怀中
可不可这样跟你相拥
我真的很没有用

要感谢这小小虫给我机会
这是我初次抓到恋爱滋味
感觉好奇怪好像伤害了谁
或许我太坏把小虫摔下来去换一个爱

小虫也有它用途
它用自己摔下的痛苦换我幸福
也许相爱是这样
有人快乐就有人受伤别紧张
像我这样那么平凡一张大众脸
从来没人愿意多看我一眼
可是在人来人往之间
却有小虫换我心愿

要感谢这小小虫给我机会
这是我初次抓到恋爱滋味
感觉好奇怪好像伤害了谁
或许我太坏把小虫摔下来去换一个爱

谢谢你心意我会好好待你
保护着你带你看天地
下次如果看见女孩子别再犹豫
你赶快跑到她怀里让我表现自己

要感谢这小小虫给我机会
这是我初次抓到恋爱滋味
感觉好奇怪好像伤害了谁
或许我太坏把小虫摔下来去换一个爱

future

2010-08-04T20:23:00.002+08:00

full circle

2010-07-25T22:07:00.002+08:00

it really sucks going full circle. it blatantly points out that your initial decision was wrong. but of course it's the journey that counts, the process of going full circle that's really important.

in other words,

why it must be wrong for the church to ask for your time

2010-07-04T14:21:00.005+08:00

if you're a working individual and the church asks for your time at least 4 times a week, on saturday for church, on sunday for cell, on two weekdays for shepherding and meeting, you're only left with 3 free days. assuming you pursue a particular hobby on one, that's one left for friends and one left for some time alone. in that case, what happens to your friends outside church?

if friendship evangelism (or evangelism in general) is commanded by god, and we are supposed to make fishers of men, where will you have the time to maintain relationships with your friends outside of church? you can only hope they haven't grown closer to other people, or decide to continue being your friend due to the sunk cost effect. it's not easy to be on the other end of the relationship, where you are trying to compete with the church for your friend's time. if christianity is a relationship, why is the relationship with your friend neglected?

i used to think that the satisfactory answer was this, that as long as we are brothers/sisters in christ, we could maintain the closeness of the relationship regardless of how much time we spend together. that was a relationship built on god, not on time invested. but if that was really feasible, i think jesus wouldn't need to spend ANY time with his disciples. after all, closeness and not time is what matters.

i don't believe it's wrong for the church to take up your time, but when it starts taking up too much, it can actually have negative effects. your non christian friends may be deterred from having a relationship with god (seeing that you are MIA most of the time) and it's hard to bring them to christ if you're not even close in the first place. in this world, as humans, time spent is really what matters. to a non christian, how can you justify the closeness of a relationship without much time spent? assuming we continuously spend time with our church going friends, our close friends would be that from church, we would probably look for our life partners there and ultimately christianity would lead to inbreeding. i remember some guy in the bible being called by god to marry a prostitute, i don't think she was christian. are we supposed to inter marry and try and reach out to the unsaved?

equating commitment to time spent are some of the pitfalls of the church today. if leaders are selected based on this* (and a host of other criterion of course) *(this meaning time spent in church/church related activities), then how can you say that time is not an important factor?

just to keep track of what i've been eating

2010-07-03T16:34:00.002+08:00

tiong bahru
teck seng soya bean drink
char siew x 2
roasted meat

beef hor fun
hokkien mee

old airport road
hokkien mee
fish meat bee hoon
popiah
soursop

home cooked
macspicy with egg and cheese, nuggets
wanton mee

relish
onion rings, beef cheek linguine, pandan infused panna cotta with gula melaka

chicken rice

adam road big prawn noodles

resources

2010-06-29T22:53:00.002+08:00

some people have it but do not use it.
some people do not have it but want to have it.
some people do not have it and try to have it.
some people do not have it.

-

bazhang
zion road char kway teow, soya bean
breadtalk floss bun
home cooked
crystal jade dim sum duck's feet
macspicy meal curry sauce
riverside indonesian bbq chicken
starbucks
the vines pork rib
sun with moon
ion basement ice cream
cai fan x 2
wanton mee
overeasy

hell before heaven

2010-06-20T23:12:00.001+08:00

4 exams in 4 days.

home soon.

寻找

2010-06-10T23:26:00.005+08:00

可能是长大，或许是成熟，但我交朋友的条件跟以前相比改变了许多。以前常常被外貌着迷，忘了什么叫友情。朋友本来就是要和你一起分忧，一起庆祝的吗。

远亲的却不如近友。

alone

2010-06-02T22:13:00.002+08:00

it is by myself that i find the most thought provoking moments. as i read about a trio of successful brothers, something has led me to reflect on the friends i have in my life. primary school friends are long gone, leaving me with friends i have made from 13 onwards. i guess we could call that my formative years. on the years that have passed, here are some memories that have transpired.

in sec 1, i remember the nike squirt bottles that we had fun with. at the corner of the class, either chatting with my friends or waiting for recess (otherwise known as soccer) to come. it was the first time in my life that i experienced long bus rides. i also remember oversleeping and losing 3 wallets. on my birthday that year, i went to tiong bahru plaza and bought myself a wallet, having not lost my replacement for 2 months. buses 33/14/93 were my frequent companions.

in sec 2, i remember geography being a very interesting subject. to be honest i did much better in geog than history for my finals. but thank god i chose history, and .16. sec 2 passed very quickly, no transition was needed, just the similar routine of soccer and going home, on the same buses.

in sec 3, two major things arrived. dota and .16. the former quickly incorporated itself into my lifestyle and my days played out as such: school soccer dota sleep rinse repeat. i enjoyed school, i loved playing soccer till it was 6 and the clock tower would chime. i loved going on battle.net to wait for my friends or vice versa. i loved the in-house games. and from dota i made some friends that have lasted me to this very day.

in sec 4, we all wore long pants. i can remember the first day of school, how we all looked different, how our eyes sized each other up, the new found positions as seniors. the new found second storey auditorium with our cushioned chairs. the new found classroom that was just next to the 'goal' near the containers. lifestyle was still the same.

what is jc life? is it something we have missed? to be honest, when i hear stories of hwachong's culture, i admit that i am jealous. and if i was so well informed at that time, i would perhaps take more initiative in creating such a culture. but to keep the friends i have from secondary school and spend 2 more years with them, that is something i have taken away. for i know for certain, given how much i was playing in sec 4, i might not have made it to the same jc as my friends. i remember the trying to do work but ending up talking sessions at the void deck near the roundabout, i remember trying to sleep on the wet and rubbery astroturf, i remember going opposite for meals, running down 5 storeys to get food. i remember it clearly. i wish i could have changed some of those parts but too bad.

i moved on to army. my first 3 months, i daresay i could live that life for my entire service. it was great, there was a good atmosphere, everyone was included, everyone brought nice snacks and nobody wanted to outdo each other. it was fun, communal living with 11 people that i grew close to. was certainly blessed with 2 acs people in my bunk. my months in medic course weren't wasted either, blessed with another good bunk. and finally the place where i ended my service, my medical centre, yet again a good place. if you have been reading good too often, it's not that i have ran out of words to use, but good just fits the description. not exceptional, just good. better than average. my point being that over all these years i've made friends that i'm happier to have.

so for now, as i am writing from my final stage of life before i move on to the working world, life is good. youth is good. embrace both with open arms.

whatever you are, be a good one.

now

2010-05-26T22:32:00.003+08:00

more often than not, i find myself thinking about my past two years in uniform. i miss that time. most people are more than happy to leave. me, i'd rather not. my lifestyle was rather relaxing, work before lunch, anything else after that. freedom took the form of my walk to the bus stop, either to catch a bus home, or to town. everyday, without fail, i would look forward to the next time i got to go home early, the next time i didn't even have to go to work and the next weekend.

so why do i still think about those days?

i have forgotten what it's like not to be free. i have forgotten so much that i have taken this freedom for granted. what am i doing with it? granted i am attempting to apply myself usefully in school, but to what end?

the memories. the memories of being in the field, lying in the bed i made and talking to my buddy. the memories of locking the door and sleeping in the office. the memories of going to another country and spending every day in the same way. the small things i looked forward to. but most importantly, the memories of the things that i did with my freedom. my freedom at the end of the day. that was most important. the 2 years that i have to show for, what did i get out of them?

i don't have a driving license, like many expect. i made friends, friends that, at one stage in those two years, shared weal, woe and at one time, a bed. things like that you never forget.

time only moves forward.

countless

2010-05-08T03:41:00.003+08:00

too many times and afraid to count

of the number of times i've been here

a blank slate, akin to a blank mind

like looking for a needle in hay

the syntax i cannot find

nothing in april, perhaps something in may

or i have ran out of things to say

maybe i am just blind.

long overdue

2010-03-17T16:37:00.003+08:00

wrote this for founder's day, just slow at typing.

when we were young

when we discussed answers upon leaving the exam hall
when we checked out textbooks to be sure of our answers
when we wore our blue sweater
when we drank sang mee soup to combat the cold of the auditorium
when we crushed blank paper just so we could throw it at the person in front
when we tried to peek at answers we didn't know
when we tried to be quiet so our row could leave first
when we cursed the invigilator for letting out row leave last
when we could tell how someone fared by his looks
when we looked at the smarter kids to gauge the difficulty of the exam
when we thought about soccer 24/7
when we had edible pens and fingernails
when we had pens that ran out of ink, correction tape that ran out of tape and calculators that ran out of battery
when we thought 'why does he have so much to write about' when the person next to us asked for more paper
when we could only look up or in front
when we experienced stress, anxiety and relief
when we were young

happy acs day.

sunset

2010-03-01T19:20:00.002+08:00

and it appeared as though it was filled with orange strobe lights, each individual pixel contributing to the coloured hue that was the sky.

what god would exclaim

2010-03-01T19:19:00.000+08:00

OH MY SELF!

gold

2010-02-21T20:48:00.001+08:00

but silver, however manipulated, will never turn into gold.

waterfall

2010-02-17T21:53:00.002+08:00

like the rock that holds its place
against the torrents of water
that crashes from above
be sure
be steadfast
never lose ground

but you can't help eroding.

the big question is

2010-02-15T21:01:00.002+08:00

am i gonna change?

demographic causes friends but once in a while someone comes along and sweeps you off your feet with new perspectives and what not. and me, just like the willow in the wind, bend as it whispers past.

no more.

now

2010-02-12T20:57:00.003+08:00

synapse to synapse
remembered memory loss
living in the past

incoherence

2010-02-11T22:57:00.004+08:00

i have often asked myself why, for all the horrible things i have done (my friends know them), my friends continue being, my friends. i have yet to find an answer to this question. perhaps it's because i hold my iniquities in high regard and overlook my strengths. then again, a fault is a fault and a right cannot cover a wrong, in the same way a square will not fit a circle. the bad deeds are just like edges on the square that protrude, that the circle cannot cover, that slowly creeps up on you. some people may see it and choose to flee, some people stay (my eternal gratitude), some people just don't know. but worst of all, it is there. and i know it full well. but of course forward thinking, never regret.

the closest i have come to an answer is love, that the friends whom i love can feel the genuine concern i have for them, the bond secured as my heart reaches for theirs, metaphorically, in a manner of actions otherwise labelled as love. to those who wrote me something before flight, wow, i have never known myself to be so nice. to those that didn't, i still love you. thanks, for making the effort to travel to an end, just so i could see you for an hour, or less. sight never meant anything to the ones with faculties intact, but that day i didn't take it for granted. i love you guys.

singapore and canberra - too vastly different.

i could live like this.

friendship

2010-02-05T09:29:00.002+08:00

a different smile
a different face
a different time
a different place

i reached out
you pulled in
our lives entwined
got lost within

the loudest thoughts
the things unsaid
the surest path
the path ahead

we both know we built to last
for we are captains of storms weathered past

an entirely teochew conversation

2010-02-04T11:29:00.003+08:00

grandma, do you know that i love you?

we see each other so often, how can i not know this? people like me who have gone through life, this is what i see best

i know that no matter how rotten i become, i will still love my grandma.

that which happens while you are busy making other plans

2010-02-04T11:00:00.004+08:00

cause all of the stars have faded away
just try not to worry you'll see them someday
take what you need and be on your way
and stop crying your heart out

metamorphosis

2010-01-25T21:30:00.001+08:00

bye pupa, i am an imago.

advancement

2010-01-22T22:56:00.003+08:00

there isn't much difference between imperial examinations and GEP/streaming/PSLE/olevels/alevels/bachelors/masters. i strongly feel a lack of advancement amongst chinese - academically oriented up till today.
-
tp, jarvin and i sat at bk eating and talking for more than 2 hours. the kind of talking that involves everything, where ideas can be articulated in less than standard english, where clarity of thought just involves telepathy between you and the other persons. simple things, simple life, simple kind of happiness.

to t: i'm just another person when i'm with you. i wouldn't say i'm not myself, but you're just too different for me to behave like this.

twg

2010-01-19T11:32:00.002+08:00

you know that atas looking tea shop at ion? well i stepped in, in slippers, shorts and tshirt no less, and surprise, unlike other atas boutiques in singapore, they didn't discriminate. in fact, some lady patiently attended to me as i asked which their best selling flavour was, what she would recommend, etc. she opened can by can and a whiff of the different flavours was all it took to get me (or the cans of tea, rather) sold. i like tea and when the leaves engage the olfactory, you know you've got a winner.
-
m: don't need to think so much la
s: i noticed all the times you say don't need to think so much are precisely the times you need to think more

pwned by bus. i love my friends.

monday

2010-01-19T00:18:00.002+08:00

i scored the best goal in my 20 and some months years of existence. my leg isn't spoilt yet. life is good

for the first time in my life

2010-01-18T01:44:00.003+08:00

i went to old airport road hawker centre. there's plenty of food there. ate the wanton mee, which got a 5/6 rating from makansutra. the tagline that goes along with the 5 chopsticks - divine. but how can you go wrong with wanton mee. anyway it was just not bad, wouldn't say divine though.

i went to marina barrage. contrary to what hannah said, it's open 24/7. amateur kite fliers were posing threats to couples sitting on the concrete benches, that was quite amusing. hope i can go there when nobody's around and fly a kite.

on another note, i hope my mum didn't change the size of my shirt. it is not as fitting as i remembered it to be.

thanks nathan, for driving.

family food fashion facebook

2010-01-15T19:46:00.002+08:00

today i learnt how to make pineapple tarts from my grandmother. she's really knowledgeable at baking and i admire her eagerness at learning new things.
-
dear m and d,
the sad fact of life is i care about myself more than anybody. hence the things i do reflects the things i want, nothing more / less. any negative consequences will just have to be dealt with. if it doesn't affect me, i won't deal with it cause doing so just creates more negative consequences.
-
on food: the onion rings at relish are really nice. i think i will find out how to make them
-
i sincerely believe that everyone should take a personal interest in their lives, not just the grades that they get but also the clothes that they wear, the hairstyle that they sport, the friends that they make, etc. i believe that when it comes to fashion, reading magazines and just keeping up with trends are just a waste of time. one should never dress for someone else or for someone's opinions. lady gaga is being hailed as a trendsetter but if anyone in sg wore the things she did, they'd be flamed. it's more about how comfortable your clothes feel and how comfortable you feel. to me, buying from expensive brands just means a) i have the money and/or b) i don't wanna think much about my wardrobe and their pieces fit me. you should only buy when you need it, eg running shoes that you can't make, or you find a design that is exactly what you imagined. at some point of my life, i will stay in italy for a few months and learn how to make shoes from scratch. before that i will learn how to make clothes from scratch.
-
to whoever is reading this: jarvin lim has facebook now hahaha

palindromes

2010-01-14T18:30:00.002+08:00

why are palindromes not palindromes? anyhow, there are semordnilaps, but they're not in the dictionary.

why is communication so expensive? man should never be limited by cost when thinking about communication, for we were made to communicate. whoever invented telcos are just perverse.

never knew what you felt r, cause you hide it so well. all i can say is, sorry.

never odd or even,
so many dynamos

fall out boy

2009-12-31T21:18:00.002+08:00

you only get their lyrics when you have problems. will say something about thailand soon, just got the photos

xo

2009-12-18T02:41:00.000+08:00

To the love, I left my conscience pressed
Between the pages of the Bible in the drawer
"What did it ever do for me?" I say

To the love I left my conscience pressed
Through the keyhole I watched you dress
Kiss and tell
Loose lips sink ships

things i have done in the last two weeks

2009-11-03T22:04:00.003+08:00

1) attempted to climb kinabalu in a day
2) went white water rafting / bodyrafting
3) seen a cuttlefish up close
4) incited a pufferfish
5) tried flavoured cigarettes
6) made friends with 14 year old kids
7) gone kayaking
8) stuffed myself with hashbrowns
9) pranked the a/m kids during their night walk
10) visited sungei buloh
11) danced like crazy though i didn't drink / smoke
12) participated in a campfire
13) caught up with old friends
14) bought new books
15) gawked at nice houses in architecture texts
16) moped at home
17) wasted time on facebook
18) took out my last wisdom tooth
19) dotaed
20) watched how i met your mother

the senses

2009-10-09T22:41:00.002+08:00

perhaps my posts don't appeal visually, so here's some feast for the eyes

chris sharma

what LSVs can really do

my style of writing

2009-10-09T20:46:00.002+08:00

i have never posted what i really think here. my thoughts often get lost in the abyss of my mind because i never write them down. i think the blog address needs changing for people to take me seriously. anyway seeing that readership is low i shall write things that are, how do you say, pertinent.

i like smoking. i find immense pleasure in sucking at cigarettes, imagining the smoke circulating amongst your lungs, eventually finding its way to your brain before you purge it out of your system through exhalation. i have not gotten addicted, adhering to some advice a good friend of mine gave me, which is to never view smoking as a form of stress relief. i have never told my parents for fear of disappointment, but since i promised greg i won't be smoking i guess you can say that it's something that i quit. to be honest you can't really see the harmful effects of tar hence it's a lot less scary than it actually is.

i like exercising. there seems to be something addicted about pushing your body to its limit, or doing things you previously thought unimaginable. while i used to think that being a jack of all trades was a bad thing, it is in fact not, because my workouts will never get boring as i have a array of activities to choose from. the thought of having a nice body is something that motivates, but not enough to prevent me from changing my diet. also, though smoking takes a toll on fitness, i'd rather moderate the former than give it up completely. however, a promise is a promise.

contrary to the beliefs of seah, i actually enjoy food. however my palate is rather simple and inexpensive (not to say that his is the opposite) and i'm pretty content with plain rice and a few side dishes and a glass of homemade barley. i like potato chips, chocolate and burgers - ruffles, cadbury and macdonalds will do just fine.

i am waiting for new phase of life to start, that which is university. i relish the chance to start over in a new environment and i hope that i'll find the courage to do what i really like and the drive to succeed. more importantly, i want to find a church where i can start over and escape the one in singapore. to be honest 4 months is a lot of time and i don't mind serving but i refuse to bite the bullet. i secretly wish that leon would come back and be my shepherd.

today is the first day, since sec 4, that i can recall staying home the whole day. i managed to watch two movies, righteous kill and sniper, and read the papers, as well as some of c s lewis' thoughts in mere christianity. pretty good.

in order

2009-09-27T00:34:00.003+08:00

diving was pretty fun, the water isn't really a consequential fear, the ones that really matter are kept in the closet never to be opened. highlight of the trip was sighting cuttlefish that had some membrane moving in a circular/hovering motion. chemistry really sucked though. people just kept to themselves and refused to do things that were out of their comfort zone but perhaps i never should've had such expectations to begin with.

been eating a lot recently, started from that faithful night where i helped myself plenty at macdonalds. have been faithfully following up with more jaunts at macdonalds, greenwood fish and chips and botak jones. haven't been running much either. hope the exercise i did today can atone for my gluttony.

-

I'm sleeping my way out of this one
With anyone who will lie down
I'll be stuck fixated on one star
When the world is crashing down

I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate type
But you've got me looking in through blinds
I keep telling myself
I keep telling myself
I'm not the desperate type

Sitting out dances on the wall
Trying to forget everything that isn't you
I'm not going home alone
Cause I don't do too well
Sitting out dances on the wall
Trying to forget everything that isn't you
I'm not going home alone
Cause I don't do too well on my own

The only thing worse than not knowing
Is you thinking that I don't know
I'm having another episode
I just need a stronger dose

-

pretty pleased with time to myself.

elaboration

2009-09-09T00:00:00.002+08:00

before i lose the ability to express my thoughts in prose, i thought it would be better to take the time to elaborate on my previous post.

finally, someone, and by someone i mean someone from my generation, has experienced a loss of a parent. it has not been lost on me that this is a premonition; a sign to spend more time with my own parents, of which one works overseas. the permanence of life is a dangerous thing; we choose to indulge in non productive activity because we think that we have the time to waste before we finally go back to doing the things that matter the most, then death arrives shortly before regret. hence the moral of the story is to take preventive action against regret. if this had happened in church i'm sure it would've made an impact since the church takes away saturday lunch, saturday dinner, sunday lunch and sometimes sunday dinner meaning you've only breakfast to spend with your parents and that sucks if you don't book out on friday but that's another matter altogether.

anyway god told me at church today that it is important to choose a uni based on whether there is a good church in the area, as opposed to choosing a good uni then trying to scout for a good uni. but of course that's assuming all factors are the same, not like oxbridge vs some really lousy place that has a really good church. the last statement was made rather practically of course, i'm sure it doesn't matter to god which uni you get your degree from as much as your relationship with him.

after watching the notebook i am interested in joining rowing. rowing by yourself against the sunset looks like the shit. of course you need a pond / lake not somewhere out in the open sea.

contentment is always elusive for the simple fact that things are always changing, thus we should seek for it in never changing places.

life changing

2009-09-08T22:07:00.001+08:00

things to remember

the impermanence of life, the church service, the notebook

coming of age

2009-08-31T02:17:00.002+08:00

and so this year the element of luck brought about

the thoughtful girl with the banana walnut cake

not forgetting

dinner with x, surprise at monstercue, drinks at jarvin's, lunch with reuben and mark, good food at marcus's - happy birthday to you to, lunch with parents and anberlin acoustic / non-acoustic sets at night

that made my weekend

however i couldn't get the sodagreen album ):

twenty

2009-08-28T15:02:00.003+08:00

so there was no girl past midnight, with a surprise call, on a bike carrying a packet of colourful unblown balloons.

but it was still alright.

"and i'll kiss you in london
love you in france
sunsets in germany
spain we could slowdance"
- stephen christian

seah and other things

2009-08-26T23:39:00.003+08:00

happy birthday seah, watching you drive is a rather dangerous activity especially when i'm in the car. however it also means we're all grown up now and it's only a year more before we're legally considered adults. i hope you made something out of these two years. though i'm writing this a day late, i'd just like to tell you how much your friendship means to me and i'm glad we see each other once a week though you stay in. thank god we've lots of off to clear and we'll no longer be liable. thanks for being a tanker and taking my shit at times when you don't have to. hope we go to anu together and spend a total of 12 years together. the italian restaurant was nice, see you on saturday!

.16 gathering was a reminder of the time that existed almost 4 years ago, in a space along the ground floor. quite unfortunate that some couldn't make it cause the food was good, the company was good and jordan sang bleeding love not too good. good job darren for assigning who to bring what; damn you dale for not bringing calamari.

work kinda sucks now, i'm actually switching off with no one to do my work for me so there're some humps on the road to ord. when i'm not dealing with speed reductions till novemeber 9th, i'm getting punked by a boss who has secondary school level education and poor manpower management - though my work is done. on the bright side there is some basketball tournament and it's just fun to play regardless of whether you win or not.

dear tp, your thinking is really mature. i'm scared that you miss out on the things we can do only when we're young. glad you're in my camp though. to a, i don't know what you're thinking but i think you really suck.

i still believe that we become the reflection we see in the eyes of others, so it's important that someone tell us we're all right. that may seem childish, but only to those who have paid no dues and hence have no question mark about who they are because their own experience or lack of it has never required them to define themselves. you can meet some of these at university cocktail parties or sometimes they are journalists who fear and envy power and celebrity but who love to live in its ambience. there is always a sneer buried inside their laughter. they have never heard a shot fired in anger, done time, walked through a mortared ville, seen a 19 year old go apeshit in a free fire zone. they sleep without dreaming. they yawn at the disquietude of those whom they can't understand. no one will ever need to tell them that they are all right.

i think for some the soul has the same protean shape as fire, or a collection of burning sticks that melts and hisses through the snow until only an ill-defined and soot-streaked hollow remains to indicate the nature of flame and its passage through ice.

then somebody tells you that you are all right.

let the good times roll

2009-07-31T21:33:00.000+08:00

i've been thinking about memories lately, especially the happy ones. i try my best to recollect the happy moments i've enjoyed; to my surprise, there are many of them. like go karting in bahrain, getting lost in dubai and most recently, gyming swimming tennis at greg's. it would be really easy to describe all these activities to the smallest details, but i don't have the time. these are happy times, and i promise myself to make more when i ord.
-
to __, i really hope you reconsider your stance and spend more time with us cause we used to be closer in case you haven't noticed. maybe there won't be a chance next time, and i don't wanna leave our friendship to maybe not.
-
the demons in your legs were never meant to be subdued. when you stop running, your mind lets your legs down, not the other way round.
-
who ever invented the calendar, and who ever decided that 6 billion people should decide their activities according to what one man judged as a day, a month and a year. each day could very well be the same.

the question of sunday

2009-07-08T19:50:00.002+08:00

so why steven, did you ask diamond dog to pose as russian mafia?

synecdoche

2009-07-05T12:28:00.001+08:00

but the greatest of these is running.

what to do when life sucks

2009-06-30T22:56:00.002+08:00

1)smoke - exhilarating fumes
2)intravenous - much like self-mutilation, with a twist
3)run - no regrets

atm

2009-06-26T23:05:00.003+08:00

clubbing is rather fun in the sense that you get to see drunk people behaving badly, your friends grinding girls and the chance to dance badly cause everyone else is just as bad. at least the drinks are free flow, all that's left is just some cigarettes.
-
running is rather sadomasochistic; the lungs need to feel winded, the muscles need to ache, the heart needs to accelerate and the body needs to feel exhausted before it can be a good run.

the body cannot do what the mind cannot imagine, who dares wins.

just for you

2009-06-13T15:39:00.001+08:00

i rarely have problems and you know that. but sometimes you're problematic and you don't see it. blind fuck.

fate

2009-06-11T21:49:00.002+08:00

when things don't go your way, does it mean you have to try harder? or is it divine intervention telling you not to pursue your current course of action. doesn't really matter does it, depends on how much you want it and the best you can give. bringing us back to the over-reliance (or lack of) on god.

on another note, i am getting faster. though khing would probably not believe me.

stocktake

2009-06-09T23:48:00.003+08:00

today feels different. perhaps it's cause i took monday off and hence became disoriented with my week. perhaps i'm just thinking how sucky wednesday is thanks to ayg training. but no matter, different can always mean a new beginning. recently have taken to exercising to spend my time on; the running is getting faster, the weights are getting heavier, the skin is getting darker.
-
i have never doubted the importance of chinese. sadly i think i won't have a chance to learn it again. can't really be bothered about my next stage of education. just know that i don't really have a choice to do the things i wanna do. it's quite sad how the world confuses money as a necessity instead of air, water and food, which are actually the true necessities and you only need them to survive. ironic how prison provides the above mentioned, except money. that being said it might not be absurd to liken prison to an enclosure, where the basic necessities of life are provided for. or one could choose to be a monk, a career that's worth considering.
-
imho, life is very much like a circle. there are many fronts, inevitably linked, and we all enlarge this circle as we move on with life, through the accumulation of experiences. certainly, the continuous increment of knowledge would result in it being an oval, which, being the idealist, i am not looking forward to.
-
hold fast to x, for it is in the company of x, that your best is brought out - wise words from y. but what y doesn't know, that maybe there's z that will bring out my best. so, hold on to x while waiting for z? i can identify many xes in my life now. pruning's all for the best ain't it.
-
in a strange about turn, life at work seems much better. like i said, different is a new beginning.

刘力扬 - 寂寞光年

2009-06-04T19:40:00.000+08:00

是谁从我天空摘走了星星

一转眼眉头聚满乌云

从来快乐悲伤都自己横行

忘了我也值得被关心

一双手一个梦

一路上不断的俯冲

痛到忘了要怎么喊痛

漫长的寂寞淹没我的难过

我的世界是零下的沙漠

其实我也想要拥抱的温柔

融化这颗坚强的泡沫

漫长的等候让人特别失落

锋锐寂寞把天空都割破

还有谁能够紧握着我的手

陪着我期待消失的彩虹

是谁将阳光都剪成了雨滴

天灰了，快乐总有限期

从来都陷在孤独的流沙里

忘了我也配被人在意

一个人一直走看着梦像做了又空

精疲力尽有没有哪里可以停泊

漫长的寂寞淹没我的难过

我的世界是零下的沙漠

其实我也想有拥抱的温柔

融化这颗坚强的泡沫

漫长的等候让人特别失落

锋锐寂寞把天空都割破

还有谁能够紧握着我的手

陪着我期待消失的彩虹

那是谁的温柔留在我的小手

微不足道却那么重

漫长的寂寞把意志都吞没

整个世界是沉默的漩涡

有谁能陪我手牵着手出走

带我离开空洞的星球

还有什么值得追求

还有什么可以拥有

把怀抱借给我是不是就不再颤抖

有谁能带走这美丽的哀愁

能让我相信被爱的理由

and so

2009-06-02T21:30:00.003+08:00

we discussed that i should just be a monk. we discussed that repeating j2 might just be the best option. we discussed that you actually might not have enough funds to send me to the us.

and so, make me assuredly Yours?

life

2009-05-26T08:01:00.002+08:00

is currently dismal. never comprehended the consequences of not studying. thought university was a given (or at least some obscure course in the local u). however my main concern is the impact it has on my relationship with my parents. at this juncture i just don't wanna disappoint them, who have all their hopes on me (no shit i'm the only child), but at the same time there are some ideals that i'm letting go of, which they cannot accept. due to my shortcomings, it seems inevitable to them to link my failures with this moral overhaul. which is not the case, just coincidental that these two things happen simultaneously.
-
i dislike giving in to you just because i can see things in its entirety, and you cannot.

manipulative

2009-05-20T22:52:00.002+08:00

does god allow bad things to happen to you in order to make you turn to him?

this too shall pass.

phasing out

2009-05-12T23:29:00.003+08:00

the glue of this life being desire; i am able to break free.

today

2009-05-10T16:19:00.001+08:00

is the day i stop disappointing myself.
-
ice wine is so fine.

things in your mouth

2009-05-09T15:08:00.003+08:00

instead of talking about taiwan which i find rather nostalgic to type but boring to read, i shall say something about food.

recently i've been eating alot since coming back from taiwan, i'm not sure whether it's cause of a lack of variety of food for a month (in camp) or if it's a continuation from going snack crazy just before coming back to singapore.

what i tried at tcc:

starters: Saffron Sea Perch Bouillabaisse, Wild Garden Salad, The Deep Blue Pack and some oysters with wasabi sauce.

main course: Seafood Aglio Olio, Squid Ink Spaghetti with Alaskan King Crab and some duck meat with mango sauce.

dessert: Trio Decadence - a chocolate bar, a raspberry tart and some caramel pudding which was something like panna cotta. Tiramisu, Marble Cheesecake and some chocolate cake.

drinks: Hazelnut Frappe and Ethopian Coffee

awesome.

mwo xx

2009-05-06T22:41:00.001+08:00

feels good to have been able to solve a problem, one that might have implicated other people if not solved in time. however, another problem arose today. need to have more discipline in my life from today onwards.

dinner and others

2009-05-05T23:46:00.002+08:00

had dinner at tcc at marina at keppel bay. never heard of this place till my auntie decided to bring us there. quite a nice place to chill. much better if you have the car. can go there with my friends next time. bought my parents, grandmas and auntie a meal. wasn't that cheap but at least i got to eat what i wanted. feeling quite lazy to type out taiwan stuff. read april 2006 blog posts. quite interesting. some bildungsroman there.

perhaps it takes longer for some people to figure out god's plan for their lives, and some choices involve mistakes which we would not want to make, but in the end it's better to be right with god ain't it.

-

and in this marriage of our hearts,
there is no death do us part.
for You are eternal,
and i am eternally Yours.

taiwan escapades 4 and others

2009-05-04T22:56:00.003+08:00

day 7

first night in camp bb, wasn't that bad, perhaps i was just tired. woke up and went to do some suicides. tried to do some crazier form of suicides. the term almost became literal. some good workout there. good too, to know you've friends who call you. another day spent sleeping in the morning and awaiting the next meal. read 100 YOS but then felt sleepy and decided to succumb. wasn't feeling too good so took some meds. changed the blog skin and typed an entry. downloaded zuma again, really simple and entertaining. hope i don't get addicted. lunch was rather good, had a chicken patty. dinner sucked though. perhaps that's how the cookhouse does it, one sucky meal for one good meal. didn't do pullups either, cause of the blisters on my hand. managed to convince isaac to do with me before meals. think that's some easy way of keeping your metabolism up. forgot this morning's announcement that there would be night snack, hope it's not the sun cake that wild boar told me about. asked god for some direction.

day 8

through some divine intervention, i told god i didn't wanna waste away at the computer and somehow the computer wasn't working this morning. think this is some sign for me to do work now. am a firm believer in sleeping to get rid of flu, so proceeded to sleep after breakfast instead of doing work. tried to sleep after lunch too. spent quite a fair bit of time tossing and turning. should let sleep come naturally, kinda sucks to know you need something and you're not able to get it. cpt xx found my bottle of milk tea in the fridge. took it out for fear that it would contaminate the eye drops that were on the upper shelf of the fridge. as if gravity worked in reverse. gave us some CME today, thought that was quite interesting. dressed some guy's wound yesterday while isaac was bathing, hope i did it right. better check tomorrow. bought some lousy bubble tea from the canteen and at 30 yuan, not value for money either. found solution to blisters, micropore! look like some boxer taping himself up. did 2 sets of 10 in long 4, not too shabby. discipline lost cause the computer repairman came today and fixed it. efficient for me, but not for my studies. used it till late, and didn't wake up to exercise the next day. dressed some wound under supervision. couldn't sleep with msg xx snoring and the wind threatening to blow my house down.

-

went for my parents silver wedding anniversary yesterday where they called some friends for old times sake. wonder how my parents were when they were just married, or even when they were dating. rarely see them romantic and got to do so when they renewed their vows. too much food at the buffet, was quite boring to be the only kid there. too bad darel had duty. i think that's what true love is, my parents. they still look rather happy together. probably bring them out to dinner on the actual day itself.

-

swine flu causing problems especially at my workplace. sucks to be one of us now.

2009-04-27T20:41:00.004+08:00

I've just started reading lord of the rings. And as i'm reading it, i find myself unable to shake out the images of elijah wood and company. and gollum too. i think i could picture something more hideous than peter jackson did. I am dismayed.

I wonder how much more imagination i might have of the text had i not already watched the movies. sigh.

Mark

taiwan escapades 3

2009-04-22T12:28:00.004+08:00

day 5

surprise, i actually did some work today. went to the medical centre in the morning which supposedly needed our help but when we got there we realised it was cpt xx who didn't want us have nothing to do (as if it was a bad thing). i guess that's some strange love he's showing huh. had CME (continual medical education) lined up for us but decided to sleep instead. very unfortunately msg xx had to wake us up prematurely and we had to go to camp bb. unlike yesterday, this time it was for real. he complained about us not being fast enough but how fast can you go when there's no heads up. some real effiency there, on our part that is. reached camp bb and began unpacking our stores to set up shop. felt quite sad for the maintenance people as they had already shifted there, lucky for us we had one more night in camp aa, one night is better than none. managed to label the dispensary too, felt a sense of accomplishment doing that. cpt xx was nice enough to help us out with categorizing the drugs but perhaps he just wanted things done his way. the cupboards couldn't lock, then he told us some improbable story about thieves stealing drugs hence we've to be cautious. am struck by a bout of emotion thinking about the weekends that i'm burning and the first one is already here. 5 days into this life, i've realised that offs are really overrated, nothing beats going back to your bed at night or spending your weekends with the people you hold dear. of course i should start by being grateful that my job lets me do that on weekdays too but you don't know what you've got till it's gone. really hope i'll learn from this and appreciate my weekends alot more. thank God for his guidance throughout my NSF life, it certainly has been good so far. aside, began reading the bible from genesis and it has struck me with a clarity unbeknownst to me. does this mean i am drawing closer to God?

day 6

managed to grab a chicken/pork patty meal at the shop outside camp aa before i left. shared half my patty with isaac and he did likewise. wasn't that great but just had to try it for myself. didn't exercise today though. shifted to camp bb today. was on the verge of ordering bubble tea which comes in 10 mins but cpt xx had to burst our bubble by telling us the vehicle we indented arrived. upon reaching camp bb, decided to use the internet computer which was kindly set up by some guy the day before. downloaded firefox and msn; there are endless possibilities once communication is established. after setting up the treatment and sickbay, went back to using the internet. downloaded zuma and played for a full hour (cause that's how long the trial version lasts, dammit); i'm quite good at it actually, didn't lose a life for the entire period and wanted to see how far i could go. hope i don't get addicted to it. ate dinner and did some pullups after that, although on hindsight the order should be reversed. hope that's some good way to keep my metabolic rate up. wanted to go to the basketball court to do suicides but msg xx didn't tell me that we couldn't exercise at night (wasn't night per se but it becomes dark early). managed to sneak some sleep in during the afternoon hence wasn't tired at night. the beds are rather hard and i think i'll take some time getting used to them, besides they're good for the back posture right. used the computer at night again, it's just amazing how addictive internet can be. wasn't my fault really, since msg xx and cpt xx were at some meeting, and isaac didn't wanna use it. read 100 years of solitude at night, probably try to finish it the day after. read the bible too, some parts of exodus before going to sleep. tried to sleep early but failed, hope this isn't a recurring trend. msg xx talks to himself, very much like grandma.

taiwan escapades 2

2009-04-11T15:13:00.006+08:00

day 3

went to see the hospitals in the vicinity, am impressed by how much better the private hospitals look compared to the larger government ones. didn't manage to buy bubble tea though we were in the city. i wish msg xx was more flexible to let us find a bubble tea shop. after all, it doesn't take much time to do so, cause they're just so many in taiwan. going out felt good, like some form of visual and physical alleviation, like a dog being released from its kennel. msg xx doesn't give us much information about the hospitals either, except where the a&e room is, guess that's all we need to know. heng chun town seems like a miniature kowloon, with all the run down buildings clustered together, with small and winding roads, very unlike singapore. in fact, i can't think of any country in asia that is like singapore, which maximizes all forms of space. really glad there's industrialization, cause i wouldn't wanna grow up somewhere like that.

managed to squeeze in some basketball. don't know why i was able to get more than the usual number of balls in. after exercising, the sleep was sweet; deep sleep is always a refreshing change. hope exercising in cold weather would help me burn more fat. didn't have anything else to do, started reading white tiger. thank God for jordan and how he lends me the books before reading them. finished reading what should i do with my life; the main takeaway was that life is all about chasing your passion. it's never too late to do so and the people who found theirs found satisfaction as well. mildly inspiring, unfortunately, i have a lot of inertia. recalled what poon said about detaching himself in order to feel less pain. it's only been a few days and i can understand what he means. thank God i didn't go overseas. suddenly it appears rather clearly that He didn't give me what i thought i could take, but actually couldn't.

day 4

according to msg xx, we were supposed to be taking over the medical post at camp bb. operation failed. somehow they don't seem to have a concept of estimation. got scolded for asking him when we were going over. not going over was good too, i managed to finish reading the white tiger. by proportion, there's so much chance i could've been born into some family in china or india, so i've gotta be grateful for what i have. finished reading what should i do with my life, really identify with what po bronson is saying, that each of us has something to contribute to this world. passion is really important to find and hope i find mine soon, before letting it slide off my back again. being successful at something you don't have a passion for will eventually lead to you pigeon holing yourself for the money. i thank God for who and where i am today; and i'll make it a point from today onwards to constantly thank the people around me for their impact on my life. having thought about it thoroughly, the way my life turned out is rather amazing and it's definitely easier to attribute it to the existence of a creator rather than a coincidence. sometimes, i want to be my own man and create my own future too, yet i believe in a God. feels rather paradoxical. gym now, bye.

insomnia

2009-04-10T00:32:00.002+08:00

haven't been updating due to lack of time at the computer, something i resolved not to touch for long periods after wasting 2 entire days at the screen. i'm also secretly scared of losing my eyesight. but the fact that i'm typing this is rather ironic. i'm still keeping a journal, so it's a matter of time before my thoughts are made permanent.

-

the phasing in between consciousness and its antonym, the caving in of your chest, the careful effort of reducing your heartbeat to a murmur, to an alluring rhythm in hopes that your mind might succumb to, listening to bossa nova whilst trying to numb your sense of hearing, reading a book amidst adjusting the weight of your eyelids, praying, sincerely, for God to do something.

that's what i tried for 2 freaking hours to no avail. that's why i'm here, at this computer, to express this tragic moment in alphabet. i feel tired, yet i cannot sleep. within me seems to be some form of unexpanded energy, something that the rounds and pull ups i did today did not take out of me. i feel like i can do anything now, i feel like the most frustrated person on earth, i feel like a million things. it's as though i have forgotten how to sleep, how to transit from awaking to sleeping. i am yawning, but i cannot sleep.

-

the eyes are more gullible than the mind,
they cause us to make wrong decisions,
in love, in shopping, in people.
yet the eyes see the clearest,
the untainted view in the retina,
whereas the mind is tinted with perception.
the eye sees what is,
the mind sees what it thinks it is.

-

and because of my mind i cannot sleep.

taiwan escapades 1

2009-04-05T15:00:00.004+08:00

decided to go with the uncluttered look. the fan is rather irritating, cold when it's on, hot when it's not, but i digress. just to keep my mind from degenerating, i'll type what i've been writing in my diary since coming here for the past week.

day 1

what i was thinking on the plane

taiwan sounds like refreshing change of scenery, to some place where i can have time alone to think about things especially since the events that have transpired in the past few weeks, namely meeting up with poon and starting to think deeper about religion, to attending services at other churches. should be a good place for condensing my thoughts.

the plane ride was rather disappointing. msg xx (that's boss 2 for you, cpt xx is boss 1) tricked me that there would be individual entertainment screens at the back of the seat but this was not to be. instead there were 2, about 21" televisions for us to watch james bond: quantum of solace. the colour on the televisions were different, and my friend suggested it was to aid those with different colour-blindness. the ride, even though it was 4 hours, seemed like eternity. just fly sq next time, hassle free and entertaining.

having submitted my uni apps, it feels like a load off my shoulders. i hope i don't have to go for any interviews other than the smu one and hope it's some small group where i don't have to be acting. i can't believe that you have to sell yourself in the pursuit of education, why can't you be honest and say something like i'm here because this is the best applied science degree (medicine) or i'm here cause a law degree is a safety net. perhaps i am just idealistic.

till now i have not made a decision on christianity; maybe i am too afraid to leave this safety net? perhaps this sign is a change that i should go back. i'm quite sure that yongsheng will give me more chances to serve in my cg. but since when was christianity an alternative to a fear of something.

after getting off the plane, we were told there was still a 7 hour bus ride. oh well, part and parcel of army life. the coach wasn't too bad, just a step down from the one i took to kl. furthermore the capacity of the coach exceeded its passengers hence there was lots of space for everyone. stopped over for dinner at some food court along the expressway. ate this delicious and huge drumstick (what is kfc doing nowadays) and watched my friends get addicted to the picking up soft toys with the claw machine. managed to catch some sleep and watch ip man for awhile (they were showing it on the bus) but when it came to the final fight we reached the camp. they should've had proper planning for that.

what i was thinking in my bunk

life is, as isaac (the other medic who's with me) puts it, a meaningless existence for now cause all we're doing is waiting for our stores to come so we can set up the medical centre. the camp we're in is not too bad, the medical centre is even nicer than ours. i really hope that this life will last longer, for the life that is about to come pales in comparison from the looks of it. there will be lesser people when the latter starts; for now the new friendships keep this taiwan experience fresh.

it's good not to keep a watch and just let the day be dictated by the number of times you go to the cookhouse. time is ambling along, or maybe this is how it feels before i adjust to the overseas lifestyle. on hindsight, i'm glad i wasn't posted overseas as a medic, because time away from all my friends would really be disastrous. anyway, something i learnt before i go: singapore changed their time to GMT +8 because malaysia changed theirs to suit borneo. hence the sun in singapore sets later than in other countries with the same time, i.e. taiwan.

day 2

as i pass by the countryside it's so amazing what the internet can do for you. you could be anywhere in the world, even isolated on a island, yet communication is at hand with the help of a phone line - voila, you can talk to your friends in any part of the world in real time. sounds elementary, but i'm easily fascinated. the houses i passed by are littered all over the place, with no order in town planning and a new town every few kilometres, set apart from the other towns by the concentration of tall buildings in what looks like the centre of the town.

i thinking believing in an existence of God is a foregone conclusion; the advance of mankind could not have originated from a collision. there is a possibility of evolution but the case for a creator is equally strong. i shall try to read the bible from cover to cover since i have so much time. hope my leg has recovered and i'll be able to play ball when there's a chance. must remember to call grandma to tell them i've arrived safely.

okay that's it i'll write two days at a go, since now's the 7th day and i don't wanna type all my entries at once.

the thinnest thread for suturing is time.

melvin

2009-03-31T09:07:00.001+08:00

long bus rides in taiwan + chilly weather + jay chou on loop = emo

melvin

2009-03-23T21:29:00.007+08:00

i've been at this page at least 3 times, before turning my computer off and leaving my blog blank again. it's not that i don't have anything to say, just that the past week's (7 days till today) has been really life changing and thought provoking.

firstly, the problem with church. i think i've never openly expressed the problems that i have with the church system. sometimes when i don't adhere, i think that others feel i represent a christian with a lack of commitment. this is in fact true, because i don't subscribe to ideals i don't believe in. i cannot reconcile what i am doing with loving god, purely because i don't see the link. it's not that trying to get to know people is tiring, however i don't even see the point in getting to know them when i have an existing group of friends who just happen to exist outside of church. why is it wrong, when i decide to spend time with them, when i decide not to sacrifice the things i want to do for the things i supposedly should do to represent my love for god? if you wanna make me sacrifice so much time, at least leave some ac guys in my care group. of course splitting us up was good, look what happened now. there was some time to try and experiment so since it didn't turn out too well try and fix it before it's too late. i think many times the church (myself included) lacks grace and we often tend to belittle christians whom we feel are not as committed as we are to the cause. honestly the church has really nice people but life is not about making friends with nice people. it's about making friends with people you can click with and then bringing them to god later. this is my stand and i don't believe there's a right or wrong one.

secondly, the problem with christianity. there really isn't any problem with having a relationship with god, just that i am unable to generate any passion for serving in this ministry. basically i never bought into the way my ministry is carrying out the church's vision and in addition the sermon is boring. sometimes having a heart for god does not mean that you do not need to make the conscious effort to polish up on your preaching skills. some people have it come naturally to them, you sir, the one on the pulpit certainly do not. i do not understand, why you have not heard any feedback from the ground. perhaps the audience has the habit of trying to find the gem in the rock, to look for that silver lining underneath the dark cloud. sorry, but i'm not that optimistic. i guess when i changed church i should've considered the implications of it in its entirety, rather than it being a decision to move to greener pastures.

that aside, there is this problem with intellect that the church does not seem to address and it makes itself very prominent in my ministry simply because there is a hodgepodge of people from different educational backgrounds (by this i mean the culture of the school and the friends that they surround themselves with). shouldn't the church put someone above you who is of the same intellect as you are, hopefully from the same culture and is more spiritually mature? this doesn't happen and more often than not i know the answer to the questions i ask. hence this reduces the chances of me asking questions because i know if i wanna find new answers/perspectives that is not the place to ask.

i really like posting here, because no one ever reads this, or if they do they don't comment. i'm not flaming anyone here, it just so happened you crossed my path in life and i'm using you as an example. perhaps that was rather incoherent but that's just some of the things that've been crossing my mind this week. maybe i should just go back this week to see how things are.

change will come - melvin

2009-03-01T22:06:00.002+08:00

perhaps my heart is darker than yours
underneath the crimson red lies
completely devoid of feeling
blighted with coal black

perhaps my mind is just resolute
sometimes like an arrow
quivering in slow motion
yet steadfast in aim

perhaps i am just, some onion.

-

in other non-related sentences, x and y just do not mix. there isn't much to hold the two together; x is interested in computer games only and y alot more so then venn diagram reads that x is just a subset of y and not x intersect y = 1. it is fun to spend time with x but it borders on wasting time.

however, y and z really do mix. time spent together is always too short and purpose never mattered.

this weekend was really too short.

p.s. i am charmed by korean girls

melvin.

2009-02-23T21:57:00.002+08:00

yesterday wasn't as good as i thought it to be. maybe it was cause we didn't pray, or the lack of chemistry made itself rather obvious. i thought the atmosphere could have been better with me playing the guitar and leading but oh well i guess we need to learn to work with other people. next time, i will insist on praying, i will insist on asking for the right songs to generate the right atmosphere and the right flow for the rest of the care group.

this weekend was spent at friends' houses.

the first was at cheryl's - guitar hero, mahjong, macdonald's breakfast and then soccer at the very picturesque nus law soccer field. if i knew doing well would have aesthetic influence on my future studies perhaps i'd have studied harder. perhaps i should just do something like industrial design or architecture. it's such a waste singapore doesn't offer shoe design, i'd definitely try my hand at something like that; a specific, passionate kinda job. anyway cheryl's house was rather enjoyable, in terms of the pure essence of fun.

however i really liked mark's house alot more because of the activities we were doing - practically nothing. i really like doing nothing and letting the natural tendencies of my talkative nature take over. i like sharing my life with other people in person and not through some 25 things list on facebook which i feel is crafted and not entirely genuine. i want to know more about you, your likes, dislikes, any interesting event in your day, because i know i'm in this relationship for the long run. i like doing that more than coordinating to get the top score on guitar hero. it is fun, but it's not really what i wanna do.

people are like puzzles, you know the pieces that fit and the converse that causes friction. sometimes you really want this piece to fit, but it doesn't. you manage to eradicate the friction but the borders aren't as naturally sealed as it would have if you chose a fitting piece in the first place. maybe it's time to let go of some people cause the effort you put in never translates into anything significant. on the other hand, some people just don't require any effort.

it was a very enjoyable weekend, and i learnt alot about myself and my friends.

melvin.

2009-02-18T23:34:00.003+08:00

it seems that life is in limbo; i'm not going anywhere fast, and am becoming degenerate. not that i do not possess knowledge, but the way i process thoughts have become slower, in short, sputtering sentences, translating into the ability to form coherent paragraphs - things that i like putting on a blog, instead of the disjointed sentences that mean something to the writer and not to the reader. perhaps, the pure essence of a blog should be to function as memory in words for the writer - some people religiously upload photos to go along with their blog.

sometimes i want to do that too, to capture my memories in that split second, that look on our face - priceless, the fun we were having, not meant to be put into words but just enjoyed by ourselves in the moment. rather than living for the moment, it is living in the moment, to be completely immersed in what you set out to do that day, that outing, with the select group of friends who are meant to accomplish the objective. of course, meetings are never that rigid - the chemistry between friends always producing something new, the same feeling perhaps but never because of the same occasion.

life is of a cycle, work - gym/run - guitar - msn - quiet time - sleep. there are no challenges, the only difficulty i face is working with people, although lazy people are very abrasive imho, i too am guilty of being lazy. however such people either do not have or do not attempt to use their brain. they come to work not with the mentality of doing things fast, more of doing things till the end of the work day where they go home and repeat this cycle. their lives are in a funk and as what this captain used to tell me whether you like it or not, just wait for the 10th (meant to be in hokkien, rhymes actually)

the only other concern is actually uni apps. i have already (sort of) applied, so you can't accuse me of being lazy. on the other hand, i wonder whether there is such a thing as trying your best in uni apps. i can't believe you have to sell yourself in order to make the uni take you. how can education be awarded to the best liar? in my apps last year, i tried my best to be honest. i thought that some uni might actually look out for an honest answer as to why the student desired an education in that school, however, i was wrong. maybe i am just too idealistic; perhaps i am just unafraid of the consequences.

i would like, after my liability, to try out every temp job there is available. job hopping, for not a lack of passion or interest, but rather to be exposed to a myraid of people and attempting to gain angles of wisdom from the most unlikely sources. last time i remotely thought of networking with adults as i treated them in the medical centre, i could be purely materialistic and treat them based on the car they drove, but that just wasn't me. i thought of learning one word in the english dictionary every single day to improve my vocabulary, but that's not me either. perhaps my mentality is often associated with lazyness, after all a great man (george bernard shaw, imho) once said all progress is dependent on the unreasonable man.

i always hesistate to think about what i am thinking, sometimes i know my brain works purely superfically - the first thing i look at when i see someone is his shoes, followed by his clothes and finally his face. this is because i am looking for their fashions tastes as well as an indication of how much they are willing to spend to groom themselves. i look out for nice timepieces too and i hope that one day i'd be able to design and wear my own timepiece. but i digress; back to thinking, i have oft wondered whether i actually think deeply, at least one or two friends tell me that i do, one told me that i actually have thought i don't share with anyone, not on blogger, not on facebook, sometimes not to anyone. perhaps this part of me might have existed before, where there was a clear definition between what i was thinking and what i was really thinking, as though i was functioning on two brains but lately it seems to have eroded. hence, what i am thinking is just what i am thinking, no more no less.

on a side note, learning the guitar is loads of fun, especially when you begin to change chords faster, when you begin to strum with the right pattern and when you begin to sing along to the tune you just created. i am rather amateur though, might take some lessons to improve if this passion doesn't die.

incoherently yours,
melvin.

2009-01-18T11:41:00.002+08:00

the year in retrospect: significant events in 2008

bmt

it is really by god's blessing that i ended up in a not so tough bmt company, with 4 other ac guys in my bunk - though 2 ooced, and 4 other ac guys in my platoon plus a few others in the company. gave me a good opportunity to get to know the ac guys i knew only by name and a year later, i cherish the friendship that we have. the other people in my bunk were great too, if not for army i certainly wouldn't have gotten to know them. two are in medicine, three got pilot, all have some nice place in uni - rather spectacular bunk, with the exception of me. anyway, there wasn't any politics, no one desperately wanted to go to ocs, those who did were just quietly confident in their ippt results, something not left to much debate. my attitude towards spending half my saturdays in a tekong soon took an about turn - i desired their company, even though i was seeing them 7 days a week. we got through field camp, route march, the endless leopard crawl on the sandy path - everything really - together. the feeling of leaving tekong was bittersweet, i wouldn't have minded it for the rest of my nsf life.

sispec

no surprise why i got there - i was quiet during sit test, wasn't an ippt gold and my results weren't too good either. i still wanted a life in ocs infantry, in tekong actually cause i thought it was the most meaningful job. at that time i never realised i could be a pc or sect com somewhere else so naturally tekong sounded great. looking around my sispec bunk i was actually quite confident of crossing over, the ippt golds in bmt didn't make it to ocs, my ippt was 2 pullups away from gold, my sect com was the nicest spec in the company and lastly, there was reuben in the same bunk, almost bed buddies and i thought that was a sure sign i would get through sispec. how wrong i was. i ooced and discovered a medical condition i never knew i had, started enjoying life in hq as admin support, complete with frequent trips to the canteen and out of camp, on nights out or dispatch. morning newspaper reading was mandatory, saturdays were never burnt, i was getting combat pay and life was about weight gaining with little exercise. however, i never grew close to my bunk - i never went through the same shit they did - but instead to yongzhi, a fellow ooc who helped me get attached to hq. sispec soon became like bmt, enjoyable but in every different way possible.

temp staff

it was here that my ns life was in limbo. being a temp staff meant fixed canteen breaks, no real job outline, help whenever required, use the internet comp otherwise, awaking at the sound of footsteps and most importantly, stay out. it felt really good to go home everyday, to go out with friends who were schooling or who were just waiting for uni to start. i became closer to chee ping and marcus, both from sispec and the former from my sispec bunk. medic course never sounded great, after having tasted the stay out life i didn't want to settle for anything less. i tried thinking of how to avoid my fate, but seemed destined for 10 weeks of vocational training. it was here that tp dropped a shocker, he fractured his ankle during airborne. with weekends being free for tp, coupled with greg enjoying a good life, friday night stayovers soon figured in my week and went on for a good half a year. to my surprise we were having more stayovers in army then we did whilst schooling. friday night was a good time to catch up, to play computer games while the weeks just kept ticking by.

medic course

the first night felt abnormal, i kept asking myself how come i wasn't going home. eventually i got used to it, got used to my bunk where i made good friends again - the thing i like about army - and stopped dreading booking in. even yk was in my course and i thought if my bunk sucked i would just spend all my time with him. however, the converse happened and the one level bunk difference proved a barrier to spending time with him. instead i learnt guitar from nicholas, learnt medical knowledge with my bunk, studied with them, managed to get some nightly runs in, some phone calls in and passed out a pretty happy private. i almost got an overseas posting, but was made a reserve on the very last day. perhaps god didn't want me to go overseas. during medic course, my spiritual life suffered. i was disappointed at having to spend one of my two days at church activities and stopped going entirely - for the activities but not for service. sundays were soon spent with mark, zelanie and sometimes seah, doing things like cooking, playing guitar hero or just enjoying each other's company.

practising medic / present

because i was the reserve for the overseas posting, i was posted to a camp where there were no afternoon customers, where duties never burnt weekends, where medical centre had no politics and where i had the gym to myself. i made new friends (again), managed to fit in plenty of exercise but took on a rather major role in my medical centre. i convinced myself that the latter was merely a small trade off for the stay out life i would enjoy for the rest of my nsf life. the good life i was gratifying, because i had volunteered for the overseas posting myself (meaning without consulting god) and hence i felt i was in control of my life and my own decisions (and mine alone) resulted in this stroke of luck. on hindsight god has a plan for everyone and i really thank him for this posting. a few weeks into the job, small talk with one of the medics there made me realize i had to get right with god hence i started getting more involved in church. tp was posted to the same camp after his mc and it was great to have a friend of 5 years within close proximity. it was also this stage in my life that my relationship with two girls grew deeper and i hope that sometime soon i can make a positive christian impact in their lives. life there / now is good, and will be better if i can shake off this lazy stigma that has been plaguing me since 13.

things i learnt

i realised that it is hard to be a faithful christian in the saf because there is so much pressure around you to conform, to use vulgarities, to indulge in lust, to try and skive off and many times i've fallen prey to them and failed to be an example to the friends around me. sometimes it is really hard, but even trying notwithstanding the outcome, just keeps you going.

my parents didn't figure much in my year, except when i went to visit my dad and mom in december. it was supposed to be a well deserved break but turned slightly disastrous when i had severe food poisoning and diarrhoea. this year i resolve to spend more time with them and am happy that my parents are coming back this wednesday.

this year i really hope to do much with my remaining time - to improve on my guitar, to earn more money, to study for sats, to take up an even greater role in church, to change my friends into more committed christians, to bring my grandma to christ, to become a worship leader, to become fitter, to spend more time with my parents, to not buy any clothes / shoes and finally, to ord.

lazy stigma not included.

melvin.

2008-12-29T13:40:00.002+08:00

the atmosphere is high. the people are closing their eyes, moving their mouths and you know that their hearts are in motion. they are experiencing everything at once - forgiveness, solace, confession, amazement - and you are too. you are lost for words; the things you want to say are perfect, grammatically, forming neat and concise sentences, but only in your head. somewhere along the transmission from nerve to kinesis of mouth, these are lost through the experience of an unfamiliar feeling overwhelming you, from top to toe. the ends of your fingers are tingling, as if ready to dislodge, as you raise your hands in ultimate surrender.

you survey the people and even as you do not make eye contact, you know that it is not the song, it is not the singer but it is God's presence descending upon the group. where people mean what they sing, where people cared less about personal acoustics, where people met God in the consecrated time known otherwise as worship.

that's how i felt when i led worship yesterday. if you have a chance, try it sometime. God is rather awesome.

melvin.

2008-12-26T00:19:00.001+08:00

so i saw that there were guys who needed to book in tonight, Christmas. and in that moment, felt like i have a lot to thank god for.

mark

2008-12-18T23:08:00.003+08:00

my fingers are irksome, the words remain ghosted, and are not as quick as the thought.

the thought, is nimble, as nimble as it is fleeting. it arrives like a guest unannounced but has not the courtesy to stay for the instant. the instant, when words waver wearily, cumbrous and clumsy, finds itself in the want; then it is departed and all is left ghosting. And the fingers, they are unmoving.

I blink.

again.
nothing happens.

how how how?

mark

2008-12-09T21:29:00.005+08:00

surprisingly, i'm still keeping up with my monthly updates.

-

sweater? check. track pants? check. shoes laced? check. all set and ready to go in three, two, one. we have lift-off; my fists pumping, my legs mechanical, my heart thumping and the breeze resisting as hard as i run. more effort is needed to oppose the headwind but it does not matter, my body needs it anyway. approaching the road now; it is dusty but thankfully my lungs do not feel it as i keep going. i feel like i am the king of the road, the solitary figure running across an endless canvas of blue skies, an expanse of turquoise water with concrete passerbys. the first one up, the bridge; we exchange pleasantries pretty fast. soon they fade into oblivion, while i continue my trek along a virgin path. it is hot and cold simultaneously and the friction between my feet and the ground seem to have escalated into sparks. i am unwilling to move, but my brain drives my legs onward. i see it! the end of the circle. i am flying now, as i complete the ring.

my sweat in exchange for,

just 5km.

tsk.

melvin.

2008-11-04T16:08:00.003+08:00

it has been a long time to put keyboard to webpage.

recently experienced this revival in my spiritual walk with God. how i was wasting my time being less than my best. however, it is really easy to choose otherwise, pursuing your own passions instead of going for service or cg. it is so difficult, when even the simplest interests like cooking or spending time with your close friends are sacrificed, but i'm trying.

i want to say that i have walked right with God.
i want to say that i have lived on the edge.
in this life, i want to get the most out of God.

so what could i say,
what could i do,
but offer this heart, O God,
completely to You.

melvin.

2008-10-16T19:57:00.002+08:00

-please stay
-actually my luggage is very heavy
-at first i didn't want to bring anything, but when i was packing i found many things i wanted to take with me
-please don't go, can you bear to leave us
-my luggage wasn't big enough to fit you all

regrets are so troublesome
they plague you like an alarm clock telling you to wake up and report to camp
thankfully there is the gym
alone with the radio, the mirror and the machines
there is running
alone with my soles and the road
yet alone with my thoughts
and nobody to tell them too
i want to take up kickboxing to vent all my frustrations
is there anyway to be happy, as in disposition rather than momentarily
what is up with suicidal prone people, just jump instead of being a time bomb
i think everybody is suicidal or depressed at any point in time

if you cannot hide the family skeleton, you may do well to make it dance

melvin

2008-10-02T22:40:00.003+08:00

i see a world
where i can choose
to forget the things
i want to

i see a building
where i can choose
to lift off against
the monotonous skyline

i see an imagination
where i can choose
to think of the things
that are unreal

i see a heart
where i can choose
to slow the pressure
to ease the pain

i see a purpose
where i can choose
to take the path
best suited for me

i see
where i can see
no
longer

melvin

2008-09-23T21:51:00.003+08:00

sometimes, i like to feel that i am light yagami.

he who makes the change has courage, not he who has courage changes.

melvin.

2008-09-22T20:41:00.002+08:00

on a wednesday, i watched step brothers with tp. it was, in both our opinions a rather funny show, however another friend who watched it disagreed. perhaps it was because yao wen and bloke played their roles as grown up slobs turned good rather convincingly. it was an enjoyable outing, having managed to savour the mcvalue lunch promotion before the show. it felt good to be free, to not be thinking of homework the next day, save for getting up early. after the show, we managed to walked around wood would where tp bought a wind up which i felt was rather impractical as well as carrefour for groceries where tp discovered the joy of buying braised pork cubes that reminded him of outfield (i think he has a lot of commando left in him).

however the most interesting thing that happened was when we were making our way to the mrt station and this lady fell in front of us. it stripped us bare to our individual intuitive nature and attempted to find in us a suitable riposte to the incident. however with tp being on crutches i was the only one left to help although on hindsight tp says he could have done more but how when your arms are on crutches. anyway i never thought about halting her fall, as with her friend accompanying her, we watched her in free fall motion. whilst this was going on, other commuters absorbed into the humdrum of life carried on walking, save for this civic minded man who called an ambulance. with her friend rushing to her as friction halted her descent, and giving her tissue to soak the blood up, we felt there was nothing more we could do (we didn't even have tissue) and we left the scene. as i made my way to the bus stop after sending tp off, i couldn't help but feel that i could've done more. intuitively, i was tempted to move off since other people were doing the work but i stood there to watch, which actually didn't make a difference. i just hope that a similar incident won't elicit an identical response from me.

in other news, having a lot of time now is rather disastrous. my mum has consistently been nagging at my inability to do something productive with my time and apart from exercising which i do at work as well, my soon to be 4 weeks into my permanent life till nov 2009 has been one of holes in pockets. i'm not broke or anything but my brain has been coming up with creative ways to spend my allowance. hope i'm able to get rid of the extra voice in my head soon.

melvin.

2008-09-16T22:21:00.002+08:00

technology sucks nowadays. what's the point of having computers if we're gonna have viruses. anyway i'm complaining cause my internet is trippy, due to a suspected spoilt router. i can't be sure cause it works perfectly sometimes. also, there doesn't seem to be enough ram on my comp, must upgrade it to at least 2gb. things will happen when dad comes back.
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in other news, the workplace is a rather awesome environment and i can't be thankful enough that i was posted there. the next year of my life will be a breeze, and i hope i can keep up my regular gym visits. maybe i'll even get an ippt gold badge if i up pes, but that's a long way off. must start getting down to occupying my time after work, friends are few actually, or rather, friends that are free are few. should this be time for making new ones? driving and maybe sats are on the list. somehow i'm too lazy to even go online and sign up for driving. dad wants to sell the car too. what's the point in learning then. maybe he'll get one for me but that's rather ambitious.
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cooking has taken up abit more of my life, managed to discipline myself to cook at grandma's house and not together with mark at zelanie's or seah's. cooking by yourself is rather theraputic, you get to enjoy the fruits, sometimes not really, of your labour instantly. the gratification of a nicely breaded fish or nicely pan fried beef patty does wonders for your day, not so much if it's dinner and it doesn't really treat your slimming programme kindly. nevertheless, cooking is a useful skill to learn, might move on to baking now that i've time. but i need people to eat my stuff too and am too lazy to measure ingredients.
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there must be more to this life. i know what it is, but yet i haven't found the urge to pursue it. why?

melvin.

2008-09-14T01:49:00.002+08:00

today i learnt that what separates musical talent from true worshippers is the fluidity of the entire team, the knowledge of when to strike a cymbal, when to hold a note, when to strum a chord; and when the entire team is moving in one direction, the worship atmosphere is created. the leader then has to be sensitive to the spirit, and lead the church to where god wants. sometimes you can see the spirit working amongst the congregation when the atmosphere is high, and it is really everything, from the music, the slide background and most importantly the heart of the worshipper that allows one to truly experience god in that perfect and sacred time.
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today i also did something stupid. i went to the airport, didn't say hi and left. i don't regret it, but it was rather stupid.
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on another note i'm reconsidering something i was going to do. i'd rather leave it at the back of my head though. however it struck me today that incurring god's wrath is literally asking for trouble.

melvin.

2008-09-04T23:54:00.002+08:00

i realised that blogs are often used to complain about life. hence in an attempt to make my post more interesting, i shall write about things i have learnt. the reader can then choose to infer how i came to learn these things.

1) never judge a book by its beginning. sometimes the storyline seems rather enticing and predictable but it never goes the way you want it to. very much like a bend in the road on a steep mountain, before you know it your car is veneering off the cliff.

2) everyone is selfish but some people manage to disguise it under the pretext of being nice. ultimately, everyone is interested in their best, not someone else's.

3) good things rarely happen twice.

melvin.

2008-08-27T22:38:00.002+08:00

in a strange twist of fate, i am no longer posted overseas and instead at this place called x. x is a very nice place, with few people in a small space the size of my house, which is an apartment. the environment there i must say is definitely likeable, one has alot of time for body maintainence as well as self improvement. facebook also included. i really thank god for making all this turn out right. i could have just been above all instead of ready to strike. but now, where does the money come from? i hope i can get it somehow. along with everything else like uni apps, making physio appointments and going out with friends who are leaving soon. slightly hecticcc.

there are alot of things to learn to and i hope i can learn all of them quickly cause there's just no chance to screw up or move slow.

melvin.

2008-08-23T13:00:00.002+08:00

on hindsight, i am rather happy to be serving in the army. not because of the things i do, but because of the people i meet. so far, i have been meeting people of different backgrounds, most unlike myself, but then we realise that we actually do have many things in common and that acs kids are, bar some, not actually on that arrogant high perch most people percieve us to be. maybe it's cause i'm not from the traditional 12 years in acs families but i guess army does level things to a certain extent. it is fun, in my perspective, to be going for course after course, meeting new people and going through the motions with them. i do not think there exists a social platform on which so many different people can stand on, hence making such experiences invaluable and one of a kind. it is fun to go back and mix around with people of similar backgrounds but at the end of the day i'd rather have a spectrum than a single colour. the things you learn here really make life much simpler than previously thought. it is fallible, there is room for mistakes and age doesn't really matter. hopefully, somewhere along my life line, i can say that i bucked the trend, struck it out and made decisions that underscored my ever evolving set of values.

and so i am going to thailand for a year by a strange twist of fate. i don't know what it is like there. i don't know what will happen to my friends when i'm gone. i don't know how things will be at the end of this. i don't know how risky doing cover is. but what i know is that this is the chance to see if money can truly buy happiness. this is the chance to see whether wealth can override the enjoyment of a job. this is the chance to experience another culture with my two years and pay for my holidays at the end of it. this is it boys, this is war.

melvin.